chapter one--2003


The last time alot of us were together was at Chris's going away party. A lot of people would later call Chris the last victum but that was crap. Chris legitmatly loved his country, he thought he had a duty to serve, to spread americanism to the four corners of the earth and when those beaty-eyed, crewcut recruiters began sniffing around the campus he was the first (and only) to sign on the dotted line.
Besides his grades were shit poor, along line of d's stretching to the horizon and if he ever wanted to make something of himself,and if he ever wanted to become a real man and embrace all that viral Hemingway bullshit he had to go green.
I have no doubt that he had been daydreaming, when he walked into that place he should have known better then to walk in.He used to do it all the time i'd see him walking down the street to his shitty little house, his eyes looking skyward, his lips moving wordlessly. i asked him once what he thought about as he inevibly walked into a mailbox or run off ditch. and he told me about this fantasy that had played out in his head since he was a kid that he was some star athlete holding a press confrence after playing the game of his life. the bright tv lights, the podium with the microphones from various media outlets. the luke warm picture of water on a table hidden from view. the flash bulbs popping, the reporters vying for his attention. That's what he was thinking of when he was walking down that street and the IED turned him into a skull and a femur, i'm certain of it.
Anyway we were at his party, not all of us of course, but a large portion, say 55%, beacuse Chris was popular not just with us emos, but with the jocks (347 and52 rbi's senior year) goths (7 tattoos and red hair die) and Stoners (his older brother sold pot in the overflow parkinglot at the galleria mall ), But the nerds were all in their D&D guild or else masturbating with reckless abandon to yearbook pictures of girls they would never have. The Preps and divas were no doubt staring into mirrors and buying hair gel and the black kids were probably doing what we were doing only with more bass and better style.
This is not to suggest that the groups at the party were intermingling, they were not we kept to ourselves and only broke ranks to pee, get refreshments or pay our respects to the guest of honor.
Chris was not actually leaving for a couple weeks but the house of his friend Shamus (one of the few places in the point big enough to have held such a gathering) became available when his parents went to the pokanoes for a sex vacation. The House had an open floor plan, so one standing in the living room was able to see the dining room and the kitchen. The chairs and couch and been pushed to the corners, the dining room table dissemble and pushed up against the wall It was lit entirely with orange jack o' lantern halloween lights and a big screen tv showing a Suicide girls DVD over and over. There was stereo loudly playing the Fall Mission of Burma and Stiff Little Fingers. A keg on the kitchen counter and a fridge full of various bottles of various booze kept us well lubed while the good sports in each group made runs to wendy's with other peoples crinkled money clenched between fingers for jr. bacon cheeseburgers and 5 piece chicken nuggets.Up the stairs stretched the long line to the only bathroom and a few bedrooms where naughty things happened very quickly.
I ended up sitting on the armrest of a ugly green armchair drinking a vodka tonic and talking current events (A.K.A Bush is a Nazi blah blah blah) with my usuall group of friends--Marion, Tim, Matt and my sister Beth. Along with a few other aquaintences who had wandered over from nearby and closely related cabal.
I ended up talking to one of them a girl named Caitlin who i hadn't spoken with or seen in a while. she had dropped out of school and been working as a bank teller to save up for her own place, the purple in her hair had washed out and the tatts were covered by sensible clothes.

"All growd up?" i asked her
"I even got married for a while?" she said.
"Didn't take?"
"He was cute and fun to be around, but he couldn't leave me alone, i'd be walking the dog or talking the bus home from work and happen to look behind me and he'd fucking be there pretending to read a newspaper like a spy."
"Why ask you about your day when he can just experience it with you?"
She laughed "Too fucking right, anyway i set him straight and out the door he went."
"Are you sure maybe he got a sex change in france and changed his name to FeFe Lafarge, he could be here right now!"
"Smoking a cigarette in a holder and carrying a bagette?"
"Ready to surrender to whoever asks sternly enough. I bet he'd look good in a sundress."

We chatted like that for awhile or something like that, i can't remember the exact words and i'm proably making myself sound cleverer then i could have been with a blood alcohol level of 2.9. Beth watching me from across the room said later that i should have leaned in and kissed her, but that's not my way. It's not the way of the thoughtful poet.

"Remember when we dropped acid in that old abandoned car." she asked
"It was a plymouth duster, it's still is, it's where we left it. though there's less of it."
"Good times, huh."
"Not really."
"Yeah."
Looking past caitilin's head i saw Beth was puckering her lips and making out with an invisble caitlin. i shook my head as surrtipously as i could.
"Your almost out of the lion's den right." she asked
"Two more weeks of classes, some bullshit seminar for those of us going to college,then rehersal, then cap and gown time and then i walk out laughing into the night."
"And then?"
"And then Harvard--"
"Excellent!"
--a souless job, a souless wife, and bounching rubenesque souless children."
"It good to have a plan, mine is too save my money, get a studio and stay away from bad boys, plymouth dusters and my mother."
I laughed "Your wise beyond your years, i'd give my money to you."
"If you had any."
"If i had any."

We talked until she got the high sign from her Alpha friend and had to leave, we hugged and she pecked my ear, i looked past her to my sister but she was too involved her game of asshole to pantomine her dissapointment.
now suddenly stag, i looked for something or someone to ooccupy my time, Tim was the Asshole in the game and was grumbling, Beth was president of course, Matt was killing some poor jerk at Halo 2 and Marion had gone upstairs with some guy whose name she would never remember. Everyone else was doing whateveryone else does, drinking, drugging, fondeling , each other, trying to have conversations over the too loud music. No one looked like they needed an Alan to brighten there day I was considering leaving when i saw chris head downstairs from the bathroom and out onto the back deck for a smoke, i decided to join him. He was leaning on the railing looking out into the backyard and Shamus's rundown childhood swingset.
"Hail to thee o' man of the hour, long may the gods of war smile upon you." I said all thespian like.
Chris turned to look at me smiling, we had never been best friends but we liked each other "Your drunk." he said
"Buzzed, how do you like your party."
"I like it fine." he said looking doomed.
"I'm sure they'll give you a soft desk job once they see how weak and simple you are."
"yeah" he said, he smirked and then gave me another look alltogether diffrent "It's fucked up, at school i mean."
"Schools always fucked up, but what fucked up thing in particular are you refeerring too."
He looked at me a little surprised then looked back at the swingset "Nothing."
I shrugged "It's your night."
"Yeah" he said sadly "yay me."
Was he i wondered imagining himself toting a M-16 heading down some dense hot street, bullets coming from everywhere, people dying, not knowing what windows had terroist what windows had little kids.
It was then that a half dozen girls my sister included came outside.
"We've decided were all going to make out with you." Annie a tall redhead stated loudly. "Jesus were do i go to enlist!" Matt shouted from the doorway behind them."Maybe there's still someone in the recrutment office, a janitor or something we could go down and see." everybody laughed as Chris was hustled inside. I finished my cig then walked down the back steps, bumped into the birdbath and walked down the driveway to the sidewalk, which would eventually bring me home i stopped under a street light long enough to text beth
GONE HOME
and wait for a reply
BYE BYE